


Neuanfang

by PKA



Series: The Neu Series [2]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Levi's and Erwin's Room, M/M, Relationship Negotiation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-24
Updated: 2019-06-24
Packaged: 2020-05-19 03:53:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,257
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19348957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PKA/pseuds/PKA
Summary: After a year of working together, Levi and Erwin figure things out. The whiskey certainly helps.





	Neuanfang

**Author's Note:**

> Second fic for Eruri, maybe I'll actually stick around in this fandom. :D  
> Again, I love getting feedback of any kind, so if you wanna discuss characterization or whatever, please feel free to leave a comment. I'd like to get better at writing these guys! :D
> 
> Thanks again to [feelindadarkness](https://archiveofourown.org/users/feelindadarkness/pseuds/feelindadarkness) for betaing this!

Levi had been with the Survey Corps for almost a year now, and slowly, habits manifested.

After the decimation of Fragon’s squad, Erwin had taken him under his wing. Given that he had been the one who recruited Levi and remained his reason to stay, it hadn’t exactly been surprising to Levi. He wouldn’t have imagined, however, to which lengths his new squad leader would go. Erwin seemed to constantly orbit around him, watching his every move. At first Levi thought he kept his eyes on him to judge if he had broken after what had happened, to intervene if it turned out Levi wasn’t what he had thought he would be. Levi realized Erwin had different intentions when he started inviting him to having dinner in his room, letting the evenings die out over a cup of tea and conversation.

He was being befriended—way subtler than he was used to by those who lay in the past, but still perceivably, with options to back out every step of the way. Erwin had an air of quiescence about him that put Levi to ease. They talked often, but they didn’t need to. Sometimes it was enough just to enjoy each other’s silent company and unwind over a cup of good black tea.

They trained, rode and fought together. The latent rivalry that Levi upheld during their sparring matches made way for mutual appreciation. Seeing the other win their play fights, seeing the other face titans and live made that appreciation grow. With each expedition, their friendship deepened. And with it, Levi’s resolve to not repeat the mistakes of the past. When they returned from beyond the walls and the rest of the Survey Corps celebrated another day of survival, Erwin and Levi retreated to the squad leader’s room, foregoing tea for whiskey to commemorate on their own terms.

Tonight was one such evening, and this time, one whiskey became two, two became three, and before they knew it they were both pleasantly intoxicated in a way that loosened their tongues but didn’t cloud their judgment.

“—don’t see why Shadis wouldn’t make you his successor. People are already calling you Commander Handsome,” Levi said, taking a swig.

Erwin smiled. His expression told Levi he wanted to argue against it, but he took the conversation into a more playful direction. “Commander Handsome?” he asked, one eyebrow raised.

“Don’t tell me that surprises you.”

Erwin shook his head, still smiling. “I tune out the voices of people who don’t concern me.”

“A quality of every good commander.”

It was a rising theory among the troops. Shadis had become restless lately, and with every fruitless expedition, he seemed to break a little further. If the Commander had any balls, he’d give up his rank before all the pressure crushed him.

“What do they have to say about you, I wonder,” Erwin said. “You’re building a reputation for yourself as well.”

Most other people would have gotten shit from Levi for saying something like that. He could do without the impressed looks when he did his job, no matter how good he was at it. Complacency had killed many, and Levi didn’t plan to become one of them.

“Tch. The shitheads who see me for the first time mostly act surprised about my height.”

Erwin chuckled. “I’m sure that there are those who look beyond these vanities.”

“Maybe.” 

Levi wasn’t stupid. People loved to stare. They looked down on him for his height, his heritage, his way of speaking. They were afraid of his flat expression, his calm demeanor, his seemingly random acts of violence. And they leered because people loved to see some sort of sleek, ethereal, effeminate creature in him. He had gotten all of these looks, from men and women alike, all his life. None of those people saw him for who he was and he never invited their judgment.

“But I don’t care about these things,” he concluded. 

One of Erwin’s pleasant qualities was that he knew when to ask questions and when to remain silent. He liked to let Levi talk, but he accepted that there were topics Levi didn’t want to talk about, avoiding them gracefully. He was smart and attentive. He could guess for himself.

“What about you, Erwin?” Levi continued. “Why aren’t you married? Weren’t you able to find someone who’d put up with that shitty grin of yours?”

Erwin leaned back in his chair, took a thoughtful sip of his whiskey. “There was someone, once. She liked me and I liked her. But I didn’t like the thought of turning her into a young widow and refrained.” His eyes lost focus for a moment. “She had such a beautiful smile. Having her worry about me while she had to stay home, unable to do anything… I wanted a better life for her. I didn’t want her to lose that smile.”

“So altruistic,” Levi said, deadpan.

Erwin shook his head again. He met Levi’s eyes, held his gaze and sought permission to voice his question. “What about you?” he asked when he had found it.

Levi didn’t break their eye contact. He considered for a moment.

“My mother was a prostitute.”

Something flickered in Erwin’s eyes. It wasn’t pity, Erwin wasn’t one prone to that particular emotion. Levi read it as empathy, and, to his surprise, excitement.

“When she had customers over, she made me hide in the closet. I stayed there in the dark for long stretches of time, the only thing to focus on the moans of my mother and her visitors. She was scared for me, but I didn’t understand that back then. Hearing her getting abused, just so we could have dinner that night… I hated every second of it. And then she caught an illness from one of them…”

Levi broke away from Erwin’s gaze at that point, his mother appearing before him, pale and sick in what would become her deathbed. 

“So yeah, intimacy isn’t really my thing. Not quite as altruistic a reasoning as yours, Commander Handsome.”

The fact that he was fighting and killing naked, disturbingly human-looking creatures didn’t help the case either. Levi didn’t know if seeing another human being in the nude would ever be able to arouse him.

“If only I were as selfless as you perceive me to be, Levi,” Erwin said. “I like to think that not pursuing Marie was a rational decision, but maybe it was my heart making that choice. Perhaps it wasn’t the right person, or the right time. Perhaps my reasons wouldn’t have mattered if I had dedicated my heart to love. Just as your mother must have made her decisions out of love for you.”

Levi frowned unhappily. Love was something they could hardly afford in this cruel world of theirs. It made you into an easy target in the Underground. Camaraderie and friendship, yes. But love…

He thought of that day, Furlan between the titan’s teeth, Isabel’s head, her face contorted in the terror of her last moments. He thought of the members of Erwin’s squad whom he had grown to like these past couple of months. And Erwin himself, who looked at him now with his cunning eyes, analyzing his reaction.

Inviting love in meant inviting the pain of losing said loved ones. 

“So what, you want to say you got stupider over the years? You regret your decision?”

“I never regret decisions. Marie lies in the past. She married a former friend of mine who now works with the Military Police—I think their daughter must be five by now.”

Levi wondered what else could have changed Erwin’s perfectly reasonable opinion. When he looked at Erwin, really looked at him, that excitement from earlier still lingered in the corners of his eyes. Clarity struck Levi like a horse kick. He leaned back. 

“You’re in love.”

Another barrier between them evaporated. Quietly, with just a single sentence, they had crossed the threshold to another layer of their relationship.

“I’m intrigued,” Erwin corrected. “And I’m beginning to challenge my views of the past.”

Levi felt breathless. He chose his next words with great care. “Did you ever tell Marie about your feelings?”

“No. I made up my mind by myself. It would have been cruel to put this burden on her shoulders.”

Levi cocked his head, eyes burning holes into Erwin’s. “What about this new love of yours? Do they know?”

Erwin returned his gaze with the same unwavering strength. “I want them to come to their own conclusion. But yes. I think they are aware.”

“Why did you change your opinion?” Levi asked quietly. “What is _your_ conclusion?”

“We may not have it in us to be happy,” Erwin started. He’d make a fine Commander, Levi thought. When he began talking, the world around him seemed to come to a standstill. He spoke with conviction and absolute sincerity, even now. “But how are we going to fight for humanity if we don’t have a heart to dedicate to the cause? We must live, for all those who have fallen. To live is our duty, with everything it entails. There is no room for doubts, fears or regrets. Whatever life we have, we owe it to ourselves to live it to the fullest.”

The mountain of bodies beneath Erwin started to add up. Levi wondered if every corpse beneath his feet made his resolution stronger, if each of them chanted for him to live the life they could no more.

What a man, Levi thought. Out of all the men he met, he had never encountered anyone like Erwin Smith. He wasn’t perfect, no one was, but he was the best person Levi knew. He made him feel like humanity had a chance. Like he had a chance. He trusted his judgment. He’d follow him into any battle. And he’d throw his life away for him.

“That person you’re intrigued by… they are in the military too, are they not?” Levi watched Erwin’s face for clues, but he was as stoic as a statue. “Is that the reason you think they could bear the burden better than Marie? Because they know what it’s like?”

“Their experience of loss is sharper than mine. They have a potential for compassion far extending mine. It makes me… pause and reconsider.” 

Levi emptied his whiskey, let the flavor of it dance on his tongue while his heart and brain fought over the decision he was about to make. Smoke swirled in his throat after he had swallowed, leaving him with a pure, oaky aftertaste. This was good booze, the sort of stuff people in his home would happily kill someone for. After he had placed down his tumbler, he lay his left hand flatly upon the table’s surface. His movement did not slip past Erwin’s notice.

“You said it yourself. No doubts, Erwin,” Levi chided. "I think they deserve your honesty.”

Erwin’s attention flicked from Levi’s hand to his face and back to his hand. “That they do.”

“So do it. Do what you do best. Gamble.”

For a long moment, nothing happened and Levi started thinking he had misinterpreted the situation. Then, slowly, Erwin’s hand moved from its position next to his own glass closer to Levi’s. He telegraphed the movement clearly, giving Levi ample time to take his own hand away should he reconsider. He didn’t.

Erwin’s hand was a dry, warm weight upon his own. Levi’s hand twitched under it, unused to physical contact, but settled after a few seconds. Levi could feel the long, raised scar in the middle of Erwin’s palm press against the back of his hand. A memento of their brief fight and the half-assed cut that Erwin had caught with his right hand.

Being touched so gently was a strange sensation. From demanding respect from thugs in the underworld through slicing through the neck of a titan, most of Levi’s experiences with touch had been violent. The few positive ones—a pat of a red-haired head came to mind—had mostly been initiated by Levi himself. People had known better than to touch him with their filthy hands.

But Erwin wasn’t filthy, despite the blood on his hands. Erwin’s hand on his felt pleasant, invited. His touch was a logical step in their slowly unfurling relationship. Like puzzle pieces clicking into place, this was inevitable. If not Erwin, who else?

No one could tell how long humanity would still be able to survive behind the walls. Their fickle peace could come to an end at any moment, and who knew what else lay on the other side. There had been something in the air lately, not only because of Shadis’ losing grip on the Corps. Levi felt it: their lives were about to change.

Levi spread his fingers apart, linked them with Erwin’s. They both watched as they entwined. A warm feeling spread inside Levi’s belly. It had nothing to do with the alcohol.

“I’m glad,” Erwin said.

They had no need for promises or vows. Levi didn’t need to give him reasons why this would take time, because Erwin knew, just like Levi knew that he’d give him the time and space he needed. As much of both as they had, at least. Levi was allowed to communicate through actions instead of words, and he was certain Erwin would understand him. They trusted each other like that. There was no pressure, no rush. Just this, just them, just a spark of hope in the endless nights yet to come.


End file.
